Return on the Un-Holiday Gift Guide

Friday, November 22, 2013

Here at Paddle Junkie HQ, we think the whole Christmas before Thanksgiving situation has gotten completely out of control.  I LOVE Christmas, but 6 weeks of Holiday music and people trampling other people to save $3 at Walmart is more than a bit excessive.  Let's not even get started on the whole Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving night topic...

So in keeping with our philosophy, we will start publishing our Gift Guides on Black Friday.  Until then, here are a few things NOT to buy your family and friends this holiday season.  I have been known to give "Prank" or "White Elephant" gifts, but these may be a little over-the-line...

Diet Book:  There are absolutely ZERO reasons this is OK...  You might as well call your lady fat and ugly as she unwraps this one.  I don't care if she asked for it or not, just don't even think about it.  Seriously, unless you are looking for a long term relationship with the couch, keep shopping.

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Brief Jerky (Edible Meat Underwear):  I am all for spicing things up in the bedroom, but Teriyaki isn't the kind of spice you are looking for.  Though the idea of having a protein packed snack sounds logical, the effort required here may be more than you signed up for.  Nothing hotter than Jerky breath and jaw cramps to turn your lady on...
 
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's Workout Video:   There are no words for this one...  If getting off the couch and whipping yourself into shape wasn't hard enough already, listening to this hair gel coated d-bag for 30 minutes a day would be enough to say "fuggetaboutit".  You'd be better off giving someone a box of Ho-Ho's and a universal remote.


Bathroom Scale that weighs your loved one in animals:  I actually think this one is kinda funny, until the recipient realizes they weigh in somewhere between a pig and a mountain gorilla, then the laughing stops. No one should ever have to set a "goal" of dropping a chicken before "swimsuit season"...



Banana Bunker:  I may actually give this one to a few people this year...  Have friends that work in a "sensitive" work environment, school teachers perhaps?  Nothing says overly prepared like an uber-phallic banana case.  If these things could look any more like they came from a sex shop, you'd need to show ID to buy them...
Banana Bunker

Adult Footie Pajamas: That someone special just LOVES to be warm and cozy, so they are gonna love these.  You on the other hand just sent yourself to the "friend zone" all winter.   The words "romantic" and "sexy" NO....  Pedophile, may be more like it...



So, these are a few things to avoid.  If you want some real gift ideas, check back in a week or so, we'll have guides for Gear, Men's Lifestyle, Women's Lifestyle and our RugRat edition for the kiddos.  Until then, Happy Thanksgiving

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